[Yup, that's right...this is a one-person, one-time, *one-ep* little war inspired by some of the frightening images raised by my compadres on the spoiler list.] ***IMPLICIT 3RD-SEASON SPOILERS*** ***GROSS AND UNAPOLOGETIC CARICATURE AHEAD*** [If either of these disturbs you, or you're just feeling sensitive or depressed today, *Go Away Now*!]
[The scene opens inside the new "Raven." The Cousins approach "LaCroix," who is leaning casually with his elbows back against the bar. They are um... 'slightly put off' by his apparently quite jolly mood.] Cousin 1: "Um... Uncle? What's the plan?" "LaCroix": [Eyes open wide in genuine surprise] "What plan?" Cousin 2: "For the war. What are we going to do to the Knighties this time?" "LaCroix": [Thinks for a moment] "Well, I just got in my special order of purebred longhorn steer blood for Nick-- a prime vintage. Do you think they'd like some?" Cousin 3: [Starting to lose patience] "We were thinking more of harassment, kidnapping, *torture*!" "LaCroix": [Looking concerned] "Oh... I don't think they'd like that." Cousin 4: [Getting really upset] "They're mortals! They're _Knighties_! They're *lunch*!" "LaCroix": [shakes his head distractedly] "No thanks, I already ate. Besides, Nick's rather fond of them...." Cousin 5: [Losing it completely] "*All the more reason!*" "LaCroix": "But they're his little mortal friends! They make him _happy_...." They are interrupted by the arrival of said Knighties. "LaCroix" immediately ushers them over with a big smile and orders them a round of Ribena on the house. This lovely, familial scene is disrupted only slightly by the arrival of the evening's entertainment-- a new grunge rock band named "Vachon and the Vaqueros." They are greeted with screams of delight by a coterie of off-duty Vetter-ans, many of whom are overcome to the point of actually fainting away. The Natpack sighs, shakes its collective heads maternally, and goes to tend to the over-excited Vetter-ans. Meanwhile the Reeses-pieces have their hands full keeping the Rat-Pack from pickpocketing the unconscious Vetter-ans, while the Mercs-- in this new atmosphere of good-natured co-operation-- are reduced to stripping for plane fare back home. Janette, with her faithful Ravenettes in tow, makes a dramatic appearance. Upon viewing the scene before them, they all-- with one motion-- turn on their heels and disappear without a word for parts unknown. The Die-Hards, upon finding their famous peace-keeping skills completely superfluous, agree that the only thing worth coming to Toronto at all was for the elaborate spread at the FoD/Cohen-head wake. As the scene closes, we hear cutting through all the ruckus a jovial voice from the proprietor, offering us these immortal words: "Y'all come back now, ya hear?"
(This travesty brought to you by Buddha Buddha and the Vamp-A-Go-Go, makers of "LaCroix Lite.")
Dianne
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